Woo yeah I'm back. At least I try ha ha cause I really don't when I would have time to write my next entry.
I really miss blogging!!!!
Actually I don't even remember when i stopped blogging. I remember i stopped cause i thought no one really cared or read my blog not even my best friend at that time so I was kind of discouraged. Then I decided to keep the blog to myself and then I went through HKCE . I went to another school for F.6. I had made many good friends which I'm so thankful about. Then it came AL which was completely a disaster for me . I didn't have the best results and my parents were angry and disappointed with me . It seemed like the end of the world for me .
I was under so much pressure. My parents kept nagging me everyday and made me feel so worthless .They thought everything was ruined, my future , their future.......... I couldn't sleep at night sometimes and I felt restless during the day. I had missed my period for three months and experienced some hair loss which the amount was more than normally . I almost thought that I would developed a depression.
Thank God IT DID NOT HAPPEN.
I went thorough all the applications and interviews for nursing school. It was hard cause there were a few times I thought I almost got admitted into ST. Teresa nursing school or HKSH nursing school but they didn't pick me at last. It was a torture waiting and hoping that they would call back for the next interview or tell me I'm in.
After all that struggle I finally was admitted to HKBH nursing school. It literally saved my life!!! I couldn't imagine how miserable my life would be if i wasn't accepted into any of the nursing schools or nursing degree in OUHK. My parents could have killed me or I would either way. Not exaggerating ,it really was a low point for me.
But I'm glad I'm still alive I'm breathing ha ha. My dad didn't kill me.( Which is what the result would most probably be if that happened)
It was going quite well in term 1 even if i wasn't feel so certain about the position I was in and I wasn't so sure if I really wanted to be a nurse or I am being in this position just because I had no choice. I could have got the job if I attended the interview offered by the immigration department but if I chose to be an immigration assistance then my life would totally be a different story and I would lost the chance to be a professional. It was a huge struggle! But I believe my parents had picked the right choice for me and I got very interested into nursing gradually when I'm at school. Everything seems going so well .They really had put me in the best place I can be.
I made it to term 2. We lost 3 classmates cause they couldn't make it through exams . It was sad but that was reality. I really hope that they can find a way, a new job , a new life which will make them happy and keep going on to their dreams. Term 2 wasn't going quit well for me cause someone had been gossiping on my back ever since term 1 practicum and I legitimately had no idea about. It was so weired when I went back for school after term 1 practicum. My friends were avoiding me and other classmates looked at me in a really creepy way which made me feel so uncomfortable. I felt so unwelcome but at the same time I had no idea what the fuck was happening.
Finally I found out what that the gossip was about (not totally but partly). I was furious and I felt so helpless. I couldn't not understand why my classmates were like that. Especially the group of people that I used to hang out with. I asked myself a million times what is wrong that I had done or said. I couldn't think of any and I even tried to ask them and apologized even if I didn't do anything wrong. They were so cold, turned their back on me and didn't even want to talk about that or gave me a fucking "explanation" . It was lame . I sucked it up and I thought survived cause this wasn't the first time I came across bullying and I wouldn't shed a tear.
Moreover, not all of my classmates are like that. Some are still kind and willing to talk to me or show concerns. What I don't understand is that why people never grow up. We are actually studying a higher diploma programme but I feel like I went back to primary school. They can make up all that crap and talk shit about me for no reason. They exaggerate what they think and feel and put all the responsibility on a person that may not necessarily be related to that incident which to me is absolutely hilarious.
Term 3 is already half way gone. I have more classmates to talk to now as time passes by I think they can tell by their own judgement that I'm not the person that they thought i was from those bitches. I mean BITCHES you know who you are , let's don't fake it. But still the " bad " impression is still there . I try to look strong and make myself not to care about it but you can't hide your feelings. I cannot lie to myself and tell myself to not to feel deprived, lonely or isolated when people is exploiting me and making me feel bad.
I don't quite like to stay at school. I go home right away after school or leave whenever I can go . I feel so lonely surrounding by the wrong people who take me wrongly, not to mention doing group projects. Those had given me hard times to "fit in" , you know to "shape myself" ,and enough embarrassment. I hate it when we need to divide into groups. I don't feel like I belong and I sometimes feel unwanted. I don't know how long will this cold war last . The feeling of unwanted haunts me like everyday when I'm at school. It always comes into my mind and occupies me .
I know that I deserve better friends!!! So I always remember those good friends that I had back in secondary school, in CAS and my old colleagues etc . They make me feel that I'm worth it and they make me a better person.
I never ever done any bad to any person or talk about them on their back. I really have nothing to feel bad about , to apologize or to feel sorry about. I have no reason to act stupid or cute or whatsoever to please any person who cannot see my inner beauty and my sincere just beacuse they are jealous or whatsoever. It is not my loss not to have them as my friends .It is something to be glad about not having bad people and bad influence to my life and be able to miss them.
Once again I have nth to feel sorry about. I live my life in my own way and I don't need you to judge me. I can think for myself and I have my values and always keep high moral grounds. So FUCK OFF bitches!!